these are my people.

well, i finished my first semester of grad school.

i spent an obscene amount of money, experienced major emotional distress every other day, made a few new friends, learned a lot about myself and grew up just a little.

i'd say it was pretty successful. academically, probably the easiest semester i've ever had (and yes, i graduated from southeastern, this is really saying something) but emotionally, by far the hardest. i knew it was going to be difficult coming here but i wasn't really prepared for the way in which it would be difficult. it was surprising. the verdict is still out.. maybe call me back in a few more months.

right now all i can focus on is the fact that i'm going home in 36 hours.

absolutely, positively, cannot wait.

i'm driving 400 miles, the day i get back, just to spend 24 hours with my best friends from college. it's probably the most ridiculous financial decision i've made in awhile, but, whatever. it's going to be so worth it! my heart needs them again. maybe the one day i get to spend with them will get me through the rest of the winter!

i need relationships.

that's what i've learned this semester.

i need people i trust and can be myself with. and, i know that i can find that in new people, and i've learned that i can't be so dependent on those who have been in my life forever. but, there's just something about that comfort. about those people who know you so well that you don't even have to say anything. there's just something that screams "life" in those relationships. like, the whole point of existing is in those moments between you and that person you're connected to.

i came here to find myself without those relationships. to figure out who i am outside of my friends. but, i think what i realized is that i don't really want to be myself outside of them. they make my life complete, and joyous, and so very worth living. i want to be me with them. i want to live life with them.

now, i guess the goal for next semester will be to figure out how to make that work while living thousands of miles apart. how to make the independent me and the dependent me cohabit peacefully.

thanks to everyone who made this semester work. everyone who supports me and loves me. i love you all unceasingly : )

the weary world rejoices.

Long lay the world in sin and error pining,

'Til He appeared and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

When true love and peace appears, our souls may realize their worth.

When was the last time your soul felt its worth? When was the last time you could truly feel the weight of importance in your heart and your soul?

How beautiful to know that our souls, our lives, our hearts have meaning. We have purpose. There is worth in our soul. We are worth something.


For so long, we have lived with tired eyes, minds, hearts and souls. We desire something more, we pine for that which we cannot see.

Working with teenagers - people in general - reminds me constantly of the innate human desire to be needed. To feel as if we are attributing something good, or something real, to the bigger picture. There is such a struggle between man and his fellow man, between man and the Divine, that it's almost disheartening to live though on a daily basis. But, that's the incredible thing about this life we are given. There is struggle because we HAD to have been created for something more, something bigger. Something worth something.


The weary, tired and desperate world rejoices at the utter thrill of hope.

We are tired and incomplete, but there is something more. When he appears, our souls may feel their worth again. The world is thrilled by hope - that something bigger than us exists, and it existed long before we began to struggle, and it will continue to exist long after we are made perfect and whole.


For up ahead - a new, glorious and beautiful day is coming.

Before spring, there must be winter. Before hello, there must be goodbye. Before peace and joy, there must be brokenness and death.

Sometimes it takes a death to get our attention, to revive our souls. Of a loved one, of a relationship, of a piece of your heart. It's in the dying that we are set free and come to live again. We were given hope and we rejoice at the promise of new life - but it is only through death that we are given this opportunity. Our savior came into the world in order to die for us, and through it, he provided our rescue.

Parts of us may die, people we love may have to leave us, the old must be shed in order for the new to come. Take heart, a glorious day is coming. A day of reconciliation and hope. This too shall pass.

Truly He taught us to love one another;

His law is love and His gospel is peace.

Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother;

And in His name all oppression shall cease.

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,

Let all within us praise His holy name.

That's how you know.

“I know, my son, I know. I know, my daughter, I know. That thing you wanted is not going to happen. Not the way you’ve always dreamed. I know this hurts. I know this stings. I know you feel like I am distant or not aware of where you are and who hurt you and what you think life was supposed to be like. I know in moments like this you doubt that I can count the hairs on your head or have your best in mind. But please, I am not done. I have barely started to reveal your life to you. I am the God who satisfies your desires with good things. That is me! And when it comes to your hopes and your fears and your dreams, I know, my son, I know.”

-Jon Acuff

How do you know?

When I was in high school, I used to sit in the office of my dear and wonderful youth pastor and just whine, whine, and whine some more about how I never knew what I was "supposed to be doing" and how worried I was about choosing the right path to go down. Apparently, now a year after graduating college, I am still that fifteen year old worry-wort. (is that even a word? whatever!)

Is that statement a little disheartening? Absolutely. Is it somewhat normal? I think so.

Graduating college was the scariest experience of my entire life. Moving away from all my friends a few months later was even scarier. Then, the big one came. I moved to Chicago. Hello, terror! And not once have I felt like I have any freakin' clue as to what I'm doing with my life. Not once! I think I have some inklings, but then everytime I feel like I'm starting to figure myself out I seem to fall on my nervous little hiney once again (I've been babysitting too much - the boys were loving the word hiney this week)

The good news is that everytime I have a conversation with someone my age, they all seem to resonate with everything I'm feeling. Everyone is in this super awkward phase of life - where we have to distance ourselves from being college students but still be young adults. We're figuring out careers, bills, groceries and relationships - and it's not easy for anyone. Le sigh. I guess if I have to be in this season, at least I know that I'm not the only one. I'm just longing for that peace of mind and really hoping that it comes soon. It would be really nice to feel like I'm in the right place for once and for this war between my heart & mind to finally call a truce. Wishful thinking?

I think at this point I'm kind of viewing this year of my life like a relationship. I worked so hard to get here, I thought it was what I wanted, I figured that everything would fall into place and work itself out once I finally got myself here... and now it's just kind of disappointing. I was so sure that this was right, so sure that this was going to be it and that I would find myself here. Now that I've been here for a semester, I still feel just as lost as I ever did and like I really don't have much to show for myself other than a mountain of debt. I lost sleep over my decision on what school to come to and now I feel like I picked the most irrelevant program & the one that isn't really helping me get where I want to be. I really felt like I need to go far away and to a new city by myself, but I'm homesick every. single. day. I think this happens in relationships pretty often.. the butterflies and excitement of the first few months wear off, and then what? Do you stick it out because you know there is something deeper between the two of you, something strong enough to commit to? Or do you run and hide, cut your losses and start over completely?

How do you know? How do you know when something is right? How do you defer between your head and your heart? Between your desire and the Lord's desire?

Do I stay in Chicago? Do I move to Atlanta? Should I transfer - and if so, should it be a better school in Chicago or somewhere else? Should I quit grad school altogether? Should I get a job? Travel? Become a vagabond?

Seriously. How do you know?!

Let us give thanks..

I'm thankful for..

1. My family. They support me, love me, laugh with me and comfort me by all means necessary. They're so good to me, even when I'm not the best to them. They're amazing. I'm so grateful, in a world full of the most screwed up and non-existent family systems - I have a great one.

2. My Niceville family. My girls who have been so faithful and funny for the past 10-ish years of my life. We're lucky to have survived the throws of middle school, high school and college together (even while we were apart!) ... they're always there to laugh, cry, dance and snuggle with, no matter what. I don't need to be anyone else than myself with them - they're my whole world.

3. My SEU family. I found the greatest people that the crazy little college had to offer and I miss them everyday. They're all so different and so wonderful - I am so thankful to know every single one of them!

4. Education. As much as I complain about it sometimes, I'm so grateful for the opportunities I've been given with my education. I've been stretched and learned so much over the past few years in college and now in my graduate education. I'm so very lucky to be able to experience higher education.

5. Hope. I'm thankful that in a world of hopelessness, it's still possible to encounter the goodness of people and the ability to love and hope in something better.

6. Culture. Including, but not limited to: music, really really good restaurants, travel, fashion, wine, coffee and words.

7. Chicago. The opportunities I've been given, the people I've met, the places I've gotten to experience and the changes that I'm going through.

a reminder..

..He continued this subject with his disciples. "Don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or if the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your inner life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the ravens, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, carefree in the care of God. And you count far more.

"Has anyone by fussing before the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? If fussing can't even do that, why fuss at all? Walk into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They don't fuss with their appearance—but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. If God gives such attention to the wildflowers, most of them never even seen, don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you?

"What I'm trying to do here is get you to relax, not be so preoccupied with getting so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don't be afraid of missing out. You're my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself.

"Be generous. Give to the poor. Get yourselves a bank that can't go bankrupt, a bank in heaven far from bankrobbers, safe from embezzlers, a bank you can bank on. It's obvious, isn't it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being."

Luke 12:22-34, MSG.

&

"What's the price of two or three pet canaries? Some loose change, right? But God never overlooks a single one. And he pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail—even numbering the hairs on your head! So don't be intimidated by all this bully talk. You're worth more than a million canaries."

Luke 12:6-7, MSG.

Love, it will not betray you.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” - C.S. Lewis

A dear friend recently asked me about trust, and why we would even try to trust anyone because of how inherently terrible people are. Because to attempt to trust and be broken in the process is better than living inside a dark cave, afraid to ever touch anyone or anything deeper than just the surface.

Since being in Chicago I've learned how incredibly true the lovely Lewis' words are. It is so easy to lock ourselves inside a casket, safe and motionless, and hide from the world. It was so easy for me to wander around this huge city for months, not opening myself up, trying to stay away from everyone. Because I already have people whom I love deeply and trust and I really didn't need anyone else. Because I was afraid of meeting the wrong crowd. Because I just didn't want to bother with starting a new life here and having to go through the process of opening myself up completely to a whole new world of people.

I quickly found that it is impossible to fully live that way. It is so hard to live alone, especially in a city where you are never really alone. It's harder to hide from people than it is to open up to them, really, because it's painful and awkward. We were created for community and we can only truly thrive as individuals when we are involved in a community of like-minded people. Once I finally came to terms with that, I was able to begin to open myself up and make friends. And good ones, too, ones that have already been so encouraging and helpful in this evolution I've been going through for the past few months of living here.

People are never going to do the right things. We'll never be completely trustworthy, completely kind or goodhearted. We'll always screw up.. but that's where grace comes in. And grace flows out of a genuine love for one another. Love will always bring pain, to an extent, because we are broken people. But, love will always bring grace and fullness. Life is messy, people are messy, and no one will ever be perfect... but isn't it better to live this messy life with one another and do our best to trust and accept each other for the messy people we all are?

"Love, it will not betray you,
dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be"
-Mumford & Sons

The setting out.

"This is the setting out.

The leaving of everything behind.

Leaving the social milieu.
The preconceptions.
The definitions.
The language.
The narrowed field of vision.
The expectations.

No longer expecting relationships, memories, words, or letters to mean what they used to mean.

To be, in a word: Open."

-Rabbi Lawrence Kushner


I feel like I'm at a loss, because the wisdom above is really all I currently want out of life.. to be open and to be able to leave behind all expectations and narrow views. But, I don't think I know how to go about doing so.

Apathy is the most terrible and scary state of mind that I can imagine. It suffocates creativity and passion and rips people apart. It runs wild among humanity.. and it's slowly killing me. It's killing me because i'm letting it. I'm letting apathy take over my mind and my heart, and letting it control my emotional state. The Greek word for apathy can also be translated to "absence of passion" ... which is so incredibly descriptive of how I've felt for the past year of my life.

Is it possible to overcome this crippling emotion, or lack of emotion? Absolutely yes. Do I have any idea how to do so? Not so much. I think it may start with a re-evaluation of goals, desires and hopes for my life. Maybe the ability to bring myself back down to reality and realize that I won't change the entire human condition - but I can absolutely change a life or two. Maybe a little bit of negativity can be canceled out with just a little bit of positivity, and maybe my days can get a little brighter when I find a way to help another person's day get a little brighter.

Maybe expectations need to just become simpler. Maybe if I just try to be open - to everything - things will come together. Openness and vulnerability will bring change, and if not change, they will bring love and understanding.

Let's just hope and strive for more. More understanding, more love, more change. And with those things will come the decrease of apathy, boredom and laziness.

wedding pictures

SUCH a beautiful bride, am i right??

love these girls! (especially the little tiny one!)

Oh nothing, just about to get married!


Fun group shot!

I love this! It captures the magic that is our relationship.

Love it when my friends find true love and let me celebrate it with them : )

Everything will change.

Is it possible to be philanthropically minded, with nothing but the most wonderful intentions and motives for helping people around you (either in your personal or professional life) ... and still be extremely selfish?

I feel like I'm faced with this dilemma on a constant basis, in my classes, my internship, and my personal life. Selfishness is a recurring theme/thought for several reasons:

1. I'm very aware of how selfish and grossly involved in my own fulfillment I can be.
2. I'm surrounded by people who are trying to make a living out of "helping people"
3. I'm human.

So, I really can't help but wonder... am I pursuing a life of equality and philanthropy because I truly believe it and wish the best for humanity, or am I doing it because I want to look like a faultless superhero?

What I've come to learn is that it's a mixture of both. It's about really, truly, absolutely believing that humans are worth something and that they are capable of change. It's about that tireless desire to let people know they aren't alone, that it's okay when they feel badly, and that you are there for them if they need you. It's that passion, that unexplainable thing inside you that says - "I wish I was created to do anything else, but I have to do this"

But it's also the reward that we receive. The single mother who's given a second chance at an education, the child rescued out of slavery, the family who is given their first real home, the student who is finally able to tell their story without feeling alone. It's the feeling that we'll go home at the end of the day with, even though we're exhausted and desperate and worn out.

It's about community. It's about give and take. A wise old friend once said, "Someone needs it, you give it. You need it? You take it."

And maybe I'm still young and naive, maybe I still have that beautiful mentality that I can change the world... but I really believe it. I really believe that love is the answer, respect is the action and equality is the result.

just a little chilly!

Quick update on life in the windy city for this Florida girl..

I've apparently lived through what was the worst storm the city had seen for 7 years (laughable - did you experience hurricanes Ivan & Katrina?!) and what were apparently cyclone-like winds... which the tribune dubbed the "Chiclone" and of course i proceeded to laugh and then repeat it to my high school students (and they didn't laugh- oh well)..

Anyway, that little storm has produced some chilly temps this week!


I mean, no big deal, just hanging out in the 40's & 30's.

I have a pact with myself that I wont turn on the heat in the apartment or add extra layers to my bed until it starts snowing, which has resulted in my hanging out in the living room like this..

Thank god for sweatpants!

I'm trying to be tough because I know this is only the beginning, and in about 2 months I'll be begging for 40's again.. but, I am enjoying it a little bit. It's hard to wake up in the mornings but once I'm out and about, the brisk-ness of the day is always lively! There is something to be said about walking to the El with a cup of coffee and a scarf on. I just feel like such a city gal.

Ahhh.. new life! New experiences! Where is my bathing suit?

You are not alone in this.

Human suffering is one of the most unexplainable, avoided and uncomfortable topics that anyone can address - whether it be in a classroom environment, church, or conversation. The question, "why do bad things happen to good people?" has been asked since the beginning of time, and I, like most people, have never actually heard a definitive answer.

Last night at church, during the Q&A time after the message (which addressed suffering from the point of view of James) a question popped up on the screen that created the most dramatic and emotional moment I've ever experienced in this type of setting.

"Why does God hate me? I try and try, and still, my life turns to shit. I'm losing my faith and don't know what to do anymore"

After the first sentence, the speaker stopped, obviously completely overwhelmed with emotion. He struggled to finish the rest of the question and then paused again. How would he answer? I have absolutely no idea what I would say to something like that.

Finally he began to apologize. On behalf of Christians, the church as a universal entity, and as a broken individual. He admitted to hurting people and leading people astray, he apologized for centuries of horrible things Christians have done, and he made very clear to this person that they are not hated by God, but loved fiercely and unconditionally. All he knew to do to even begin to express hope to this person was to apologize for what his people have done to other people, and what he has neglected to do as a pastor and teacher of the Gospel.

I thought it was beautiful. The connection and the emotion in the room, between two or three hundred people, was uncanny. It was like suddenly every single person was on the same level, in the same place, feeling the same thing. Everyone was together, feeling for this person who had sent in the text message, and I think everyone left feeling hopeful and a little more pensive than they had come in.

Suffering is about connection. It's one of the very few things in life that every single human being has dealt with. Regardless of age, gender, sexual preference, race, ethnicity, education, economic standing.. everyone who has ever taken a breath and lived a life has suffered. Everyone has woken up with that gut-wrenching feeling, everyone has lost someone or something, everyone has felt defeated and rejected. Community and connection is such an important part of life and it's crazy that something so horrible and so avoided in our world can bring some of the deepest connections to people. And, hopefully, in those connections individuals can find hope. They will be reminded that they are not, and never have been or will be, alone. We are bound together through suffering, and, if we're lucky enough, that suffering will lead us to faith in a bigger picture, a bigger God, and a bigger sense of unity with others.

I think this knowledge is one of the most important things that lead me to social work as a profession. Being able to bring individuals back into the light after they've experienced a trauma, or the ability to help them grab onto hope for the first time in their life is just one of the most beautiful things I can imagine. I can't believe I have the privilege to be able to do this.

So, if you're broken, take heart! You're not alone. You never have been or will be. You are beautiful and you are worth something. There is hope.

Pilot.

The city?

Chicago. The capital and crowning glory of the midwest. The windy city. Oprah's kingdom. Gangster's paradise.

The girl?

Kristi. 22 years young. MSW student. Florida born and bred. Christ follower. Truth searcher. Chronically single. Avid whiner. Hopeful and humbled by this brand new life experience.

The mission?

Move clear across the country, away from emotional and physical warmth? Check. Begin a masters program in a new field and learn as you go? Check. Score an internship with high school students? Check. Move into an amazing apartment with an even better roommate? Check. Attempt to purchase coats, boots and all things wool in preparation for the most brutal season change of your life? Ehh.. well, it's a process.

I've been in Chicago for two months now, and it seems like a lifetime! Though I really haven't even begun to explore this incredible city or get very deep into my degree. Choosing this career path has been an emotional one, and hasn't been easy, but so far it's been rewarding and I'm excited to watch how I grow as a social worker, a student, and a person. Currently, my time is divided between taking classes (Loyola Chicago!) two days a week, working at a Chicago high school as a restorative justice counselor two days a week (I refer to the students as 'my kids'), nannying for two little boys (Ben and Sam) on Fridays, getting involved with a small group and attending services at Park Community Church on Sundays, and trying to squeeze in time for myself and the few friends I've made. Phew.

This blog will be the outlet to my frustrations, my questions, my happy moments, sad moments and everything in between. I hope it will aid in the learning process as I journey along this game we call life and attempt to figure out how to be a single woman of faith in the social work profession!