with one glance of your eyes

I've always cried at weddings. I don't even care if I don't know the couple very well - I will weep like a baby. They are my favorite thing in the world. There is so much joy and so many nerves and it's just the most beautiful experience.

One of the strongest, most wonderful people i've ever known got married on Sunday and I was so honored to stand beside her as she became a wife. It was the start of a new life for her, one that she will share with her husband for the rest of their lives. I watched as they read vows to one another that they wrote themselves. They promised to stand next to each other in the worst times and they thanked each other for waiting. They proved that the wait is so worth it and that it is possible to walk through heartache and hopelessness, only to find someone who is beyond their wildest dreams on the other side.

The way he looked at her as he read his vows broke my heart. He never took his eyes off of her eyes, he never even seemed to notice the 200 people watching and hanging on every word. He didn't care about anyone more than he cared about the woman standing before him. I've never seen eyes look at anyone the way his did. Love, respect and admiration filled them in a way that I can't describe. It was beyond beautiful.

I don't know why some girls get to live this fairy tale so early in life. I don't know why so many of the most wonderful, honest, beautiful women that I call my friends are single. I could never explain why Danielle was single up until the last semester of college, when boys were constantly falling at her feet. I can't explain why the one person she loved would never choose to love her in return, when she could have easily had whoever she wanted. She rarely complained about being single or about being alone. She rarely talked about what kind of wedding she would have one day or what kind of man she dreamed of marrying (which, as a Southeastern girl, is a miracle) - She chose to wait.

I'm not very good at waiting. I've settled for men that I know are wrong for me in every way and I've given myself to them in ways I wish I could take back. I've agonized over men that abused me and treated me like I would never be worth enough to be with them. I want to know who I'm going to be, what he's going to look like, and when it will all happen. I want to know why I've had to suffer heartbreak and why I'm so awkward around boys I think are cute. I just want to be in control of everything, even though I know this is the one place where I can't be. Danielle taught me how to wait, and how to be gracious and patient while doing so. She taught me the importance of bringing a whole heart to the table when it comes to being in a relationship. She's taught me how important it is to be strong and complete before ever becoming capable of sharing your heart with another and I hope that I'm able to share my heart with someone who loves me and admires me just as much as Zack does for her.

I will be complete one day, and it will be worth everything that it took to get there.

Do you know who you are?

I struggle with many pieces of myself. I'm sometimes shy, and I'm not the most at home in my own soul. This is something I desire to change so much, but when it comes down to it - I'm afraid of the change.

I don't always love how I look. I'm 6'0" and most of the people I come in contact with are shorter (which reaffirms my need to start hanging out outside of NBA stadiums). I get self conscious about wearing heels, most dresses are too short for me, and I always have to stand in the back with all the boys in group photos. This is something that I started to work on about a year ago, when I bought my first pair of heels. Granted, they are only like 1.5 or 2 inches, but it's a start! Even though I have made major progress with this issue, it's still a huge part of me. Because I'm afraid to embrace my height as a gift.

In college, I experienced the worst heartbreak of my life. That experience left me carrying a huge amount of self-doubt and feelings of worthlessness. Even though it happened 2 or 3 years ago, I still struggle with feelings of inadequacy on almost a daily basis. I second guess myself, most of the time feel that I'm not smart enough, or pretty enough.. it's just a huge struggle for me. After it ended, that relationship continued for awhile - mainly because I was afraid to completely walk away from it. I was afraid of who I was outside of those feelings and that person. It's easy for me to not believe in myself, so I choose to continue being self-destructive.

This summer, I applied for 5 internships in my field. I was rejected from all of them. Last week, I applied at 4 restaurants and haven't gotten anything. Something inside me knows that there is a reason for this - but a huge part of me just wants to crawl into a hole and die. I can't even get a serving job. I have half a masters degree, and I can't even wait tables.

Last week I heard something that started to make me want to be different.

"Do you even know who you are? You are the living, breathing work of God

You are his kingdom and his creation"

If i truly believed this, wouldn't I be able to work past my insecurities? If i really knew who I was - wouldn't there be joy in spite of pain?

I think part of me does know this. I know who I am - or I am at least starting to - but how is it supposed to look? How am I supposed to be the living & breathing work of God with all of this crap I carry around with me? When I can't even get a job in the field that I thought God wanted me to pursue?

It just starts with a little. The choice to see the positive instead of the negative after I hang up the phone with someone who has rejected me for a job. The choice to be outside and to run, instead of wallow inside on the couch. The choice to smile at a stranger, to strike up conversation with an old friend, to be together and to be whole.

Just one ounce of goodness can erase a ton of darkness. I want to choose to be His now. To choose to be whole instead of a fragment. To be at home in my own soul. To be the living, breathing, work of God here on earth.

easter.

remember.

remember me.

remember the things i showed you, the words i spoke to you, the moments we shared in silence, the times we laughed together and the times we shared in sorrow, the places we saw, the people we encountered, the stories we told.

i remember you when you were broken, desolate, afraid and alone.

i was too.

you stopped breathing, stopped living, stopped hoping.

so did i.

but i returned. i rose and ascended. i walked through death and on the other side - a way for you to escape with me.

i rescued you out of the pit.

i sought you out. out of millions i created, i searched for your heart and i would not rest until it was mine.

i found you in your despair and i created a new life, one that was worth living.

i took away that rock you called a heart and replaced it with a beating one, made of flesh and blood, that beat for me and gave you a reason to sing again.

remember me, and celebrate me. celebrate the man with calloused feet and tired eyes. celebrate the heart that gave to the poor and the life that changed the course of history.

i am alive, you are loved, and you are not alone. nothing else matters.

the inciting incident

I recently re-read A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by my most favorite, Don Miller. It's just one of those books that will make you cry (literally borderline sobbing on the El one day), laugh, and dream.

I've always been a dreamer. It's a blessing and a curse, really. Mostly a curse, though, as much as I hate to say it. I dream and create in my head - but there is some sort of disconnect between my brain and my hands, and I end up never doing anything. I'm lazy and I'm incredibly insecure - so nothing ever happens in real life. And then I get anxiety about it. And then I can't sleep...

Blah, blah, blah.

Anyway, Don was much the same way in the beginning of the book but by the end of it he had hiked the entire Inca Trail in Peru, rode his bike across the USA for wells in Africa, fallen in love and had a devastating heartbreak, and founded a dream-propelled nonprofit after finally having his first encounter with the father who abandoned him as a child.

All of these things happen in his life because he discovers the meaning of story. He learns and embraces a way of life in which everything is just like a story - and he decides to live an amazing story, one that everyone else wants to read and participate in.

The thing that is so beautiful about story is that it's so similar to dreaming. Except the big difference is that in a story, things are happening. Things are moving, people are meeting, life is happening. When you're dreaming - you're just dreaming. You're sleeping, wondering, hoping.. but nothing is happening. I don't think there is much to show for dreaming, but everything to be said about living a story. You can still live in the fantasy - in a world in which you're not afraid to embrace whimsy (which is defined in the book as the belief that magical things can happen) but be AWAKE! Awake and living a wonderfully painful story that is full of blood, sweat, tears, love and hope.

One of the most beautiful stories that Don tells is the one of hiking the Inca Trail in Peru. He compares it to life and the journey we are on toward something we are longing for. Don and his team hike for days, part of which is a seven-mile stair climb.

Stairs. For seven miles. Holy Crap.

They hike and hike and finally reach the city of Machu Picchu and it's so beautiful and fulfilling. But the reason why it's so beautiful is because of the pain that they went through, the struggles, the exhaustion, the seven miles of stairs. There are other groups there who have taken the easier route, the shorter route, or just straight up drove through all the mountains. But, Don is sure that the other groups can't possibly be experiencing the same feelings that he is. Because he lived the pain, he lived through the struggle and the reward at the end is so much more fulfilling because of it.

Life is a story meant to be lived. The most important moments in my life so far happened because I intentionally sought out a story. Being in Mexico playing soccer with kids who lived in a trash dump, traveling to Israel because I couldn't keep living in heartbreak at home, moving to Chicago totally alone, embarking on a journey with the Father, road trips with my friends in college. These are the moments that have made my life joyful and worth something.

What I want most is to live intentionally and according to a story line. I want to experience and feel as much pain, hope, love, and exhaustion that I possibly can. In the end, when my heart is finally made whole again, those are the things that I want to remember because they are the things that will make the wholeness so much sweeter.

life's lessons.

I am learning..

- How to change my perspective.

- To become more positive.

- The importance of spending wisely, eating well and laughing often.

- How to live my life as a story and with the perspective that story can bring. (Thank you, Donald Miller, for changing my life)

- Who God is and what heaven on earth looks like.

- How to communicate hope and restoration in a seemingly unrestorable (i made that up) world.

I need..

- To learn to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier.

- To exercise more often.

- To pray more often.

- To continue learning what I'm scratching the surface of.

- To decrease worry and stress.

- To not get sick. I have way too much homework right now.

I am thankful..

- For the opportunity of education.

- That I was exiled to Chicago, because it has been beautiful and so difficult.

- For the opportunities that have presented themselves recently and the hope that they will work out

- That I have found an apartment that is half the rent I'm currently paying - unheard of in the city.

- For my friends and family near and far!

- For all my friends who are getting married soon or have gotten married recently. They inspire me.

you be you

my humanity is bound up in yours

for we can only be human together

Shalom.

"i will no longer be afraid. i am not worthless. there is a plan - a huge one! open my eyes and reawaken my soul. help me find joy again - real joy. help me breathe again - not on my own, but with you and through you"

two years ago today a huge, broken, mess of a girl got on a plane and flew to Israel. she spent five weeks truly living for the first time and all the broken pieces of her heart were mended. she experienced real joy, real life and found real hope in her creator.

i'm celebrating those moments for the next five weeks. hopefully reminding myself of the struggle and pain that is sometimes necessary for growth.

i cant believe where i am after two years and how dramatically my life has changed. i'm so thankful for ways i have grown and can't imagine what the next two years might bring..

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever.

noblesse oblige

noblesse oblige- (french) literally, nobility obligates, or, an obligation of the noble.

if you claim to be noble, you must then conduct yourself in a noble fashion. or, with power comes responsibility.

this phrase has been used in a million different places. Homer uses it in the Iliad, Faulkner wrote about it, it's in the lyrics of a mary poppins song, and it was an essential during the progressive era of social welfare. in some places, this term has been used in a condescending way, as some sort of snobby sense of having to help others because it's what society would have you do.

the way i use it, however, is simply and broadly just the desire to help one another. and i don't see the "nobility" part as only being applied to the rich and famous biebers of the world. i see it as something that comes with being an American, having access to health care, education and basic essentials... a privileged person in general.

so, where is the line between desire and obligation? and how do these things differ based on your worldview? if we were created in the imago Dei, then were we created with an obligation to help our fellow image bearers in their times of need?

are we, as Americans, truly as capable as we like to believe we are of changing the rest of the world? I'm not so sure that we are. however, things seem to change when we start to think of ourselves as individuals who were created in the image and likeness of the father. children of God, created for community and to be part of something bigger.

this is where my noble obligation rests. in the hands of a creator who is always planning, dreaming and hoping for more than i could ever imagine. it is in his hands that i hope i will be able to place my desires to help my fellow image bearers, whether that takes the shape of one of my best friends struggling with an abusive relationship, one of my students who has been kicked out of his home, or a child in africa with no access to clean water.

My children.

The girl that could never see herself in the mirror, always believing the lies and the worst about herself.

She is beautiful.

The boy who thought he had to degrade and beat in order to be considered a man.

He is precious.

The man who lied, cheated and stole from two women at once.

He is forgiven.

The woman who chose to replace fear with intoxication.

She is chosen.

The girl who cries herself to sleep every night because she's so tired of being alone.

She is not alone.

The man who hides from true love, filling the emptiness with materialism.

He is loved.

Oh, how I love you.
How I long for you.
Fearfully and wonderfully made,
in Our image and likeness.

Redemption is here.
Restoration is possible.
No more dreaming,
no more chasing,
no more wondering.
I'm here, my children.
I have always been here.

Taste and see, for I am Good.
I am what you have been waiting for.
Let me be yours,
You have always been mine.

shades of gray.

I had a very difficult moment today.

And I mean beside the fact that I realized February is kind of only the middle of winter, not almost the end like I have convinced myself. This gal keeps trying to believe that March = Spring and April = Summer... apparently that is not the case. And ... I'm depressed.

Moving on.

We studied a case in class today about a woman who wanted to relinquish her rights as a mother to her four-year-old son. Crazy, right? Why wouldn't she have done that when he was born? Why did she decide when he was talking and almost starting school that she just didn't want him anymore?

The issue was that the mother was only 22-years-old and wanted to live the life she should have been living at her age. Understandable. The other thing was that she was raped by her high school boyfriend, who was the father of her child. And, now that the child was growing up, he was starting to look more and more like his father - and the mother couldn't handle it. Understandable again. But, just abandon your child? After four years? This I cannot understand.

The point isn't the case, per say. The point is what my professor said to us about it.

She said that in the end, it's not our job to convince the mother to keep the child, nor is it our job to convince her that she should walk away from him. It's our job to present all the options to the mother, and then ultimately let her make the decision. I mean, it seems natural. It's her life, her child, her decision.

But something about this concept made me super uneasy. I couldn't really handle the idea of sitting in a room with a woman who had so many unjust things happen to her - and then just let her commit the same injustice to her own child. I couldn't picture myself letting her do this, just watching her make the choice to disappear from her son's life completely.

I don't like brokenness (who really would?) and I see my role as an advocate and a helper as the opposite of brokenness. I want to reconcile and fix, I want to repair. So, how could someone who wants to see wholeness just let a person walk away from their child? But, at the same time, I know I cannot make decisions for others. I can only be a voice and a light and hope to make some small difference.

I can't quite figure out how to deal with these problems. I haven't found a balance between my morals or beliefs or desires and the ones of my profession. I hope that I will, in time, though. Maybe it's just a gray area (seriously, though, is it grey or gray?) and maybe I need to learn how to bite my tongue. But, then, what good am I doing? And what is the point of this profession, anyway? Sometimes it starts to get contradictory - and then I start to lose my mind. I'm searching for validity in all of it and trying to keep perspective, which proves to be difficult for a recovering zealous Pentecostal Christian.

Learning, learning, learning!

everyone believes.

I have a problem.

I'm a social work student who doesn't really want to be a social worker. By my definition of social work, and by what i believe to be true about the history and the values of the profession - yes, I do want to be a social worker. But, by the definition and the presentation of the profession that i have received thus far in my education - I just don't.

I've been reconfiguring things that I love and that I believe, things that I want out of life and what I would love to help others experience. I think social work matches that list.. but my problem lies in the fact that there is a major disconnect between my definition and what I feel is important in regard to this profession and what my colleagues would deem important. Maybe I am still very new to the field (I am) and maybe I do wrestle with a lot of doubt about myself and my ability or desire to do this work (I do) but - I still worry that maybe, I might be in the wrong place. And, to my experience, it's generally not a very good thing for someone in the second semester of a graduate degree to feel as if they are in the wrong field entirely.

So, here's what I believe to be true about life.

1. I believe in restoration. I believe that no matter where someone has been and what they have been through, restoration is possible and a new life can be experienced. If the individual is willing, I believe that emotional, spiritual and physical restoration can be accomplished. Life is always worth continuing to live and there is always a chance to begin again.

2. I believe in community. I believe that a group of people who come together with a unified heart and love for one another can accomplish amazing things - both individually and on a macro level.

3. I believe in the goodness of people. We are all human, we all suffer, we all fail, we all struggle - but I believe that humanity was created in the image of God and that there is nothing evil about the image of the creator.

4. I believe that laughter is the best medicine. In all circumstances and in all things - a great laugh with a great friend can move mountains.

5. I believe in equality. Because all of humanity was created in the image of God, we are all equal. No one is better, no one is less. Not everyone is granted an equal opportunity for freedom or success, but everyone should be. Everyone should be treated with respect, regardless.

6. I believe in suffering, and I believe in hope. I don't know if mankind will ever be without suffering, or if we will ever be able to explain it, but I believe that hope is what will heal the pain of suffering. I believe that there will always be hope, even if it remains unseen, it's always there.

And what can I hope to accomplish in this life?

1. Family. To continue relationship with the family I was born into and blessed abundantly with, and to build a life with the family that I will one day create. My biggest desire remains to be to find love and friendship with someone whom I want to spend the rest of my life with and to create a life and a family with that person. To be able to experience the joy of raising children who believe in the goodness of people and who are not afraid to come to terms with their own beliefs. As much as I hate to admit it, I cannot wait to be a wife and a mother, and I hope that I will be able to experience it.

2. To be a voice for those who do not have their own voice. I cannot imagine a more fulfilling life than the one spent serving others. I hope to advocate and work for rights, justice and restoration for the least of the world.

3. To write, speak and educate people on issues surrounding human rights and social justice. To bring awareness to those who have been given a privilege and hopefully help them to realize the importance of their role in creating a more just world.

4. To travel. I want to see the world, experience it, taste it, and live it. There is no price to be placed on traveling and experiencing life first-hand, especially outside of one's own context.

5. To promote peace and reconciliation between warring individuals and people groups.

6. To see the Church truly become the Church that it is meant to be. And to be a part of it.

7. To eat as much delicious food as I possibly can and to enjoy every bite.

8. To continue on my own self-discovery and adventure. I hope to keep seeking peace within my own soul and always seek more - more joy, more knowledge and more experiences.

At the end of the day, life is what you make it. Life is a journey and an experience, and it cannot be whittled down to one specific time or one degree that I'm working on. I cannot define myself as simply an MSW or a social worker. I am so many more things than that and I hope to continue to become more when I finish this stage of my education. I think, objectively, my beliefs and my goals match up perfectly with what the profession emphasizes and teaches. What's hard for me to keep my mind off of, though, is that *this* moment defines me and these two years are all I'll ever be.

I need to keep perspective and to remind myself that this is not it. This is far from it.

There is so much more.

summer days

"they say that things just cannot grow beneath the winter snow, or so i have been told.
they say we're buried far, just like a distant star i simply cannot hold.
is love alive? is love alive? is love alive?

i still believe in summer days
the seasons always change, and life will find a way"

i love this song. i've listened to it at least once a day for i don't know how long. obsessive much? maybe, but it's GOOD.

i love it now because it's winter now. and i love it because it feels like what i've been experiencing for the past month or so. winter has taken on a whole new life since i've moved somewhere that actually experiences seasons, and i'm now beginning to appreciate what it means to look forward to spring and summer. i'm starting to long for warmer days in a way i've never had to before, because florida has exactly 2 weeks worth of winter.

i think i have to figure out what love means - and not in a romantic way. i have to figure out if love is alive within me, and if it's not, how i can make it grow. i'm on a journey of starting to love myself again, and it's been a beautiful and difficult thing.

these past 6 months in Chicago have not been the easiest. they've been emotional and sad at times, but also happy and exciting and fulfilling! even though i often forget about the more positive side of life.

i feel like i'm at the top of the hill. right now, the past 6 months have been uphill. scary and tiring. now that i'm here, approaching the "top" i want to remember what it means to love myself and to love those who are around me. i hope that the next 6 months - the next however long! - will be even more fulfilling and happier. i am looking forward to the spring within my own soul, the renewing of my passion and energy and the hope of a brighter tomorrow. i'm looking forward to learning more, growing more and developing more.

here's to summer days, both outside and in myself. they're on the way!

Quick

"Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the LORD for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper."

1. I was not sent into exile. I was carried into exile. I love the change of that word.

2. It was this city for a reason. What reason is that? I'm yet to find out, but I'm pretty sure it's a really great one. Maybe just feeling optimistic today, though?

3. Because I feel as if this really is an exile, I feel connected to this city. I feel connected to the seasons, the sadness of winter and the excitement of the coming spring. I feel like the chaos and the sirens and the people and the wind are close to me.. as Native American peace circle-y as that sounds.

4. The city is hard. It's hard to live here. It's complicated and it takes longer and it's harder to move and harder to be still. But, it's beautiful. It's camaraderie and reality.

5. My shalom will come. Just like spring will come, so will my shalom. My acceptance of who I was, who I'm becoming and who I will be.. it will come.

Do not worry!

top ten of 2010.

Top ten of 2010! A few days late, but whatever.

1. My first real winter wonderland experience in Erie, PA with some of my favorite friends - Danielle, Christina, Drew, Bryan and Joe. We missed our flight and spent a full day in the orlando airport, went tubing in NY, played in the snow and had the best time!


2. The D226 experience. I spent January-May living in the best apartment with the best red living room with Rebecca and Erin, doing nothing but going out to lunch, working at outback, eating taco bell and watching teen mom. It was one of the best times of my whole life.




3. Carmella Vianne Gagliardi's entrance into the world! I was so lucky to be home for the day she was born. We took Melissa out to Carrabba's, went on a long walk and were watching sex and the city as she started some serious labor! a few hours later, my beautiful friend was a mother and I was an aunt :) Since then I've gotten to watch her grow into a precious flower - I love her!



4. Perfect Game. (and NMT). What's not to love about summer in Atlanta, free room/board and a ton of baseball players?



5. The summer beach house with my whole family and my girlfriends (including Matty)



6. Rebecca and Matthews wedding week! My best friend married one of the most dashing men I've ever known and we had the best week long party of all time! Karaoke, bachelorette party, tons of taco bell and so many happy tears. It was one of the most overwhelming and wonderful weeks of my life.



7. Chicago. I made the biggest decision and craziest move I could have imagined. I'm proud of myself for being brave (most of the time).



8. Getting to visit Lakeland in Dec.- even if it was for two days and I threw up most of the second day. It was so worth the drive and lack of sleep to spend time with some of my favorite people in the whole world.



9. Going home for Vanessa's wedding & Mullet Fest! It was perfectly timed and such a fun weekend - not to mention how much i love being a bridesmaid and fosters big cans!



10. New Years Eve in Tallahassee. Such a great night, such great people and an amazing way to end this year of up's and down's.

(pictures are withheld, for obvious reasons)


It was a good year with even better memories. I'm so thankful for everyone in my life and for everything each of you have contributed to it! Here's to 2011, may it be filled with peace, contentment and joy.