How do you know?

When I was in high school, I used to sit in the office of my dear and wonderful youth pastor and just whine, whine, and whine some more about how I never knew what I was "supposed to be doing" and how worried I was about choosing the right path to go down. Apparently, now a year after graduating college, I am still that fifteen year old worry-wort. (is that even a word? whatever!)

Is that statement a little disheartening? Absolutely. Is it somewhat normal? I think so.

Graduating college was the scariest experience of my entire life. Moving away from all my friends a few months later was even scarier. Then, the big one came. I moved to Chicago. Hello, terror! And not once have I felt like I have any freakin' clue as to what I'm doing with my life. Not once! I think I have some inklings, but then everytime I feel like I'm starting to figure myself out I seem to fall on my nervous little hiney once again (I've been babysitting too much - the boys were loving the word hiney this week)

The good news is that everytime I have a conversation with someone my age, they all seem to resonate with everything I'm feeling. Everyone is in this super awkward phase of life - where we have to distance ourselves from being college students but still be young adults. We're figuring out careers, bills, groceries and relationships - and it's not easy for anyone. Le sigh. I guess if I have to be in this season, at least I know that I'm not the only one. I'm just longing for that peace of mind and really hoping that it comes soon. It would be really nice to feel like I'm in the right place for once and for this war between my heart & mind to finally call a truce. Wishful thinking?

I think at this point I'm kind of viewing this year of my life like a relationship. I worked so hard to get here, I thought it was what I wanted, I figured that everything would fall into place and work itself out once I finally got myself here... and now it's just kind of disappointing. I was so sure that this was right, so sure that this was going to be it and that I would find myself here. Now that I've been here for a semester, I still feel just as lost as I ever did and like I really don't have much to show for myself other than a mountain of debt. I lost sleep over my decision on what school to come to and now I feel like I picked the most irrelevant program & the one that isn't really helping me get where I want to be. I really felt like I need to go far away and to a new city by myself, but I'm homesick every. single. day. I think this happens in relationships pretty often.. the butterflies and excitement of the first few months wear off, and then what? Do you stick it out because you know there is something deeper between the two of you, something strong enough to commit to? Or do you run and hide, cut your losses and start over completely?

How do you know? How do you know when something is right? How do you defer between your head and your heart? Between your desire and the Lord's desire?

Do I stay in Chicago? Do I move to Atlanta? Should I transfer - and if so, should it be a better school in Chicago or somewhere else? Should I quit grad school altogether? Should I get a job? Travel? Become a vagabond?

Seriously. How do you know?!

Let us give thanks..

I'm thankful for..

1. My family. They support me, love me, laugh with me and comfort me by all means necessary. They're so good to me, even when I'm not the best to them. They're amazing. I'm so grateful, in a world full of the most screwed up and non-existent family systems - I have a great one.

2. My Niceville family. My girls who have been so faithful and funny for the past 10-ish years of my life. We're lucky to have survived the throws of middle school, high school and college together (even while we were apart!) ... they're always there to laugh, cry, dance and snuggle with, no matter what. I don't need to be anyone else than myself with them - they're my whole world.

3. My SEU family. I found the greatest people that the crazy little college had to offer and I miss them everyday. They're all so different and so wonderful - I am so thankful to know every single one of them!

4. Education. As much as I complain about it sometimes, I'm so grateful for the opportunities I've been given with my education. I've been stretched and learned so much over the past few years in college and now in my graduate education. I'm so very lucky to be able to experience higher education.

5. Hope. I'm thankful that in a world of hopelessness, it's still possible to encounter the goodness of people and the ability to love and hope in something better.

6. Culture. Including, but not limited to: music, really really good restaurants, travel, fashion, wine, coffee and words.

7. Chicago. The opportunities I've been given, the people I've met, the places I've gotten to experience and the changes that I'm going through.

a reminder..

..He continued this subject with his disciples. "Don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or if the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your inner life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the ravens, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, carefree in the care of God. And you count far more.

"Has anyone by fussing before the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? If fussing can't even do that, why fuss at all? Walk into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They don't fuss with their appearance—but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. If God gives such attention to the wildflowers, most of them never even seen, don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you?

"What I'm trying to do here is get you to relax, not be so preoccupied with getting so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don't be afraid of missing out. You're my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself.

"Be generous. Give to the poor. Get yourselves a bank that can't go bankrupt, a bank in heaven far from bankrobbers, safe from embezzlers, a bank you can bank on. It's obvious, isn't it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being."

Luke 12:22-34, MSG.

&

"What's the price of two or three pet canaries? Some loose change, right? But God never overlooks a single one. And he pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail—even numbering the hairs on your head! So don't be intimidated by all this bully talk. You're worth more than a million canaries."

Luke 12:6-7, MSG.

Love, it will not betray you.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” - C.S. Lewis

A dear friend recently asked me about trust, and why we would even try to trust anyone because of how inherently terrible people are. Because to attempt to trust and be broken in the process is better than living inside a dark cave, afraid to ever touch anyone or anything deeper than just the surface.

Since being in Chicago I've learned how incredibly true the lovely Lewis' words are. It is so easy to lock ourselves inside a casket, safe and motionless, and hide from the world. It was so easy for me to wander around this huge city for months, not opening myself up, trying to stay away from everyone. Because I already have people whom I love deeply and trust and I really didn't need anyone else. Because I was afraid of meeting the wrong crowd. Because I just didn't want to bother with starting a new life here and having to go through the process of opening myself up completely to a whole new world of people.

I quickly found that it is impossible to fully live that way. It is so hard to live alone, especially in a city where you are never really alone. It's harder to hide from people than it is to open up to them, really, because it's painful and awkward. We were created for community and we can only truly thrive as individuals when we are involved in a community of like-minded people. Once I finally came to terms with that, I was able to begin to open myself up and make friends. And good ones, too, ones that have already been so encouraging and helpful in this evolution I've been going through for the past few months of living here.

People are never going to do the right things. We'll never be completely trustworthy, completely kind or goodhearted. We'll always screw up.. but that's where grace comes in. And grace flows out of a genuine love for one another. Love will always bring pain, to an extent, because we are broken people. But, love will always bring grace and fullness. Life is messy, people are messy, and no one will ever be perfect... but isn't it better to live this messy life with one another and do our best to trust and accept each other for the messy people we all are?

"Love, it will not betray you,
dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be"
-Mumford & Sons

The setting out.

"This is the setting out.

The leaving of everything behind.

Leaving the social milieu.
The preconceptions.
The definitions.
The language.
The narrowed field of vision.
The expectations.

No longer expecting relationships, memories, words, or letters to mean what they used to mean.

To be, in a word: Open."

-Rabbi Lawrence Kushner


I feel like I'm at a loss, because the wisdom above is really all I currently want out of life.. to be open and to be able to leave behind all expectations and narrow views. But, I don't think I know how to go about doing so.

Apathy is the most terrible and scary state of mind that I can imagine. It suffocates creativity and passion and rips people apart. It runs wild among humanity.. and it's slowly killing me. It's killing me because i'm letting it. I'm letting apathy take over my mind and my heart, and letting it control my emotional state. The Greek word for apathy can also be translated to "absence of passion" ... which is so incredibly descriptive of how I've felt for the past year of my life.

Is it possible to overcome this crippling emotion, or lack of emotion? Absolutely yes. Do I have any idea how to do so? Not so much. I think it may start with a re-evaluation of goals, desires and hopes for my life. Maybe the ability to bring myself back down to reality and realize that I won't change the entire human condition - but I can absolutely change a life or two. Maybe a little bit of negativity can be canceled out with just a little bit of positivity, and maybe my days can get a little brighter when I find a way to help another person's day get a little brighter.

Maybe expectations need to just become simpler. Maybe if I just try to be open - to everything - things will come together. Openness and vulnerability will bring change, and if not change, they will bring love and understanding.

Let's just hope and strive for more. More understanding, more love, more change. And with those things will come the decrease of apathy, boredom and laziness.

wedding pictures

SUCH a beautiful bride, am i right??

love these girls! (especially the little tiny one!)

Oh nothing, just about to get married!


Fun group shot!

I love this! It captures the magic that is our relationship.

Love it when my friends find true love and let me celebrate it with them : )

Everything will change.

Is it possible to be philanthropically minded, with nothing but the most wonderful intentions and motives for helping people around you (either in your personal or professional life) ... and still be extremely selfish?

I feel like I'm faced with this dilemma on a constant basis, in my classes, my internship, and my personal life. Selfishness is a recurring theme/thought for several reasons:

1. I'm very aware of how selfish and grossly involved in my own fulfillment I can be.
2. I'm surrounded by people who are trying to make a living out of "helping people"
3. I'm human.

So, I really can't help but wonder... am I pursuing a life of equality and philanthropy because I truly believe it and wish the best for humanity, or am I doing it because I want to look like a faultless superhero?

What I've come to learn is that it's a mixture of both. It's about really, truly, absolutely believing that humans are worth something and that they are capable of change. It's about that tireless desire to let people know they aren't alone, that it's okay when they feel badly, and that you are there for them if they need you. It's that passion, that unexplainable thing inside you that says - "I wish I was created to do anything else, but I have to do this"

But it's also the reward that we receive. The single mother who's given a second chance at an education, the child rescued out of slavery, the family who is given their first real home, the student who is finally able to tell their story without feeling alone. It's the feeling that we'll go home at the end of the day with, even though we're exhausted and desperate and worn out.

It's about community. It's about give and take. A wise old friend once said, "Someone needs it, you give it. You need it? You take it."

And maybe I'm still young and naive, maybe I still have that beautiful mentality that I can change the world... but I really believe it. I really believe that love is the answer, respect is the action and equality is the result.