How do you know?

When I was in high school, I used to sit in the office of my dear and wonderful youth pastor and just whine, whine, and whine some more about how I never knew what I was "supposed to be doing" and how worried I was about choosing the right path to go down. Apparently, now a year after graduating college, I am still that fifteen year old worry-wort. (is that even a word? whatever!)

Is that statement a little disheartening? Absolutely. Is it somewhat normal? I think so.

Graduating college was the scariest experience of my entire life. Moving away from all my friends a few months later was even scarier. Then, the big one came. I moved to Chicago. Hello, terror! And not once have I felt like I have any freakin' clue as to what I'm doing with my life. Not once! I think I have some inklings, but then everytime I feel like I'm starting to figure myself out I seem to fall on my nervous little hiney once again (I've been babysitting too much - the boys were loving the word hiney this week)

The good news is that everytime I have a conversation with someone my age, they all seem to resonate with everything I'm feeling. Everyone is in this super awkward phase of life - where we have to distance ourselves from being college students but still be young adults. We're figuring out careers, bills, groceries and relationships - and it's not easy for anyone. Le sigh. I guess if I have to be in this season, at least I know that I'm not the only one. I'm just longing for that peace of mind and really hoping that it comes soon. It would be really nice to feel like I'm in the right place for once and for this war between my heart & mind to finally call a truce. Wishful thinking?

I think at this point I'm kind of viewing this year of my life like a relationship. I worked so hard to get here, I thought it was what I wanted, I figured that everything would fall into place and work itself out once I finally got myself here... and now it's just kind of disappointing. I was so sure that this was right, so sure that this was going to be it and that I would find myself here. Now that I've been here for a semester, I still feel just as lost as I ever did and like I really don't have much to show for myself other than a mountain of debt. I lost sleep over my decision on what school to come to and now I feel like I picked the most irrelevant program & the one that isn't really helping me get where I want to be. I really felt like I need to go far away and to a new city by myself, but I'm homesick every. single. day. I think this happens in relationships pretty often.. the butterflies and excitement of the first few months wear off, and then what? Do you stick it out because you know there is something deeper between the two of you, something strong enough to commit to? Or do you run and hide, cut your losses and start over completely?

How do you know? How do you know when something is right? How do you defer between your head and your heart? Between your desire and the Lord's desire?

Do I stay in Chicago? Do I move to Atlanta? Should I transfer - and if so, should it be a better school in Chicago or somewhere else? Should I quit grad school altogether? Should I get a job? Travel? Become a vagabond?

Seriously. How do you know?!