I had a very difficult moment today.
And I mean beside the fact that I realized February is kind of only the middle of winter, not almost the end like I have convinced myself. This gal keeps trying to believe that March = Spring and April = Summer... apparently that is not the case. And ... I'm depressed.
Moving on.
We studied a case in class today about a woman who wanted to relinquish her rights as a mother to her four-year-old son. Crazy, right? Why wouldn't she have done that when he was born? Why did she decide when he was talking and almost starting school that she just didn't want him anymore?
The issue was that the mother was only 22-years-old and wanted to live the life she should have been living at her age. Understandable. The other thing was that she was raped by her high school boyfriend, who was the father of her child. And, now that the child was growing up, he was starting to look more and more like his father - and the mother couldn't handle it. Understandable again. But, just abandon your child? After four years? This I cannot understand.
The point isn't the case, per say. The point is what my professor said to us about it.
She said that in the end, it's not our job to convince the mother to keep the child, nor is it our job to convince her that she should walk away from him. It's our job to present all the options to the mother, and then ultimately let her make the decision. I mean, it seems natural. It's her life, her child, her decision.
But something about this concept made me super uneasy. I couldn't really handle the idea of sitting in a room with a woman who had so many unjust things happen to her - and then just let her commit the same injustice to her own child. I couldn't picture myself letting her do this, just watching her make the choice to disappear from her son's life completely.
I don't like brokenness (who really would?) and I see my role as an advocate and a helper as the opposite of brokenness. I want to reconcile and fix, I want to repair. So, how could someone who wants to see wholeness just let a person walk away from their child? But, at the same time, I know I cannot make decisions for others. I can only be a voice and a light and hope to make some small difference.
I can't quite figure out how to deal with these problems. I haven't found a balance between my morals or beliefs or desires and the ones of my profession. I hope that I will, in time, though. Maybe it's just a gray area (seriously, though, is it grey or gray?) and maybe I need to learn how to bite my tongue. But, then, what good am I doing? And what is the point of this profession, anyway? Sometimes it starts to get contradictory - and then I start to lose my mind. I'm searching for validity in all of it and trying to keep perspective, which proves to be difficult for a recovering zealous Pentecostal Christian.
Learning, learning, learning!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
everyone believes.
I have a problem.
I'm a social work student who doesn't really want to be a social worker. By my definition of social work, and by what i believe to be true about the history and the values of the profession - yes, I do want to be a social worker. But, by the definition and the presentation of the profession that i have received thus far in my education - I just don't.
I've been reconfiguring things that I love and that I believe, things that I want out of life and what I would love to help others experience. I think social work matches that list.. but my problem lies in the fact that there is a major disconnect between my definition and what I feel is important in regard to this profession and what my colleagues would deem important. Maybe I am still very new to the field (I am) and maybe I do wrestle with a lot of doubt about myself and my ability or desire to do this work (I do) but - I still worry that maybe, I might be in the wrong place. And, to my experience, it's generally not a very good thing for someone in the second semester of a graduate degree to feel as if they are in the wrong field entirely.
So, here's what I believe to be true about life.
1. I believe in restoration. I believe that no matter where someone has been and what they have been through, restoration is possible and a new life can be experienced. If the individual is willing, I believe that emotional, spiritual and physical restoration can be accomplished. Life is always worth continuing to live and there is always a chance to begin again.
2. I believe in community. I believe that a group of people who come together with a unified heart and love for one another can accomplish amazing things - both individually and on a macro level.
3. I believe in the goodness of people. We are all human, we all suffer, we all fail, we all struggle - but I believe that humanity was created in the image of God and that there is nothing evil about the image of the creator.
4. I believe that laughter is the best medicine. In all circumstances and in all things - a great laugh with a great friend can move mountains.
5. I believe in equality. Because all of humanity was created in the image of God, we are all equal. No one is better, no one is less. Not everyone is granted an equal opportunity for freedom or success, but everyone should be. Everyone should be treated with respect, regardless.
6. I believe in suffering, and I believe in hope. I don't know if mankind will ever be without suffering, or if we will ever be able to explain it, but I believe that hope is what will heal the pain of suffering. I believe that there will always be hope, even if it remains unseen, it's always there.
And what can I hope to accomplish in this life?
1. Family. To continue relationship with the family I was born into and blessed abundantly with, and to build a life with the family that I will one day create. My biggest desire remains to be to find love and friendship with someone whom I want to spend the rest of my life with and to create a life and a family with that person. To be able to experience the joy of raising children who believe in the goodness of people and who are not afraid to come to terms with their own beliefs. As much as I hate to admit it, I cannot wait to be a wife and a mother, and I hope that I will be able to experience it.
2. To be a voice for those who do not have their own voice. I cannot imagine a more fulfilling life than the one spent serving others. I hope to advocate and work for rights, justice and restoration for the least of the world.
3. To write, speak and educate people on issues surrounding human rights and social justice. To bring awareness to those who have been given a privilege and hopefully help them to realize the importance of their role in creating a more just world.
4. To travel. I want to see the world, experience it, taste it, and live it. There is no price to be placed on traveling and experiencing life first-hand, especially outside of one's own context.
5. To promote peace and reconciliation between warring individuals and people groups.
6. To see the Church truly become the Church that it is meant to be. And to be a part of it.
7. To eat as much delicious food as I possibly can and to enjoy every bite.
8. To continue on my own self-discovery and adventure. I hope to keep seeking peace within my own soul and always seek more - more joy, more knowledge and more experiences.
At the end of the day, life is what you make it. Life is a journey and an experience, and it cannot be whittled down to one specific time or one degree that I'm working on. I cannot define myself as simply an MSW or a social worker. I am so many more things than that and I hope to continue to become more when I finish this stage of my education. I think, objectively, my beliefs and my goals match up perfectly with what the profession emphasizes and teaches. What's hard for me to keep my mind off of, though, is that *this* moment defines me and these two years are all I'll ever be.
I need to keep perspective and to remind myself that this is not it. This is far from it.
There is so much more.
I'm a social work student who doesn't really want to be a social worker. By my definition of social work, and by what i believe to be true about the history and the values of the profession - yes, I do want to be a social worker. But, by the definition and the presentation of the profession that i have received thus far in my education - I just don't.
I've been reconfiguring things that I love and that I believe, things that I want out of life and what I would love to help others experience. I think social work matches that list.. but my problem lies in the fact that there is a major disconnect between my definition and what I feel is important in regard to this profession and what my colleagues would deem important. Maybe I am still very new to the field (I am) and maybe I do wrestle with a lot of doubt about myself and my ability or desire to do this work (I do) but - I still worry that maybe, I might be in the wrong place. And, to my experience, it's generally not a very good thing for someone in the second semester of a graduate degree to feel as if they are in the wrong field entirely.
So, here's what I believe to be true about life.
1. I believe in restoration. I believe that no matter where someone has been and what they have been through, restoration is possible and a new life can be experienced. If the individual is willing, I believe that emotional, spiritual and physical restoration can be accomplished. Life is always worth continuing to live and there is always a chance to begin again.
2. I believe in community. I believe that a group of people who come together with a unified heart and love for one another can accomplish amazing things - both individually and on a macro level.
3. I believe in the goodness of people. We are all human, we all suffer, we all fail, we all struggle - but I believe that humanity was created in the image of God and that there is nothing evil about the image of the creator.
4. I believe that laughter is the best medicine. In all circumstances and in all things - a great laugh with a great friend can move mountains.
5. I believe in equality. Because all of humanity was created in the image of God, we are all equal. No one is better, no one is less. Not everyone is granted an equal opportunity for freedom or success, but everyone should be. Everyone should be treated with respect, regardless.
6. I believe in suffering, and I believe in hope. I don't know if mankind will ever be without suffering, or if we will ever be able to explain it, but I believe that hope is what will heal the pain of suffering. I believe that there will always be hope, even if it remains unseen, it's always there.
And what can I hope to accomplish in this life?
1. Family. To continue relationship with the family I was born into and blessed abundantly with, and to build a life with the family that I will one day create. My biggest desire remains to be to find love and friendship with someone whom I want to spend the rest of my life with and to create a life and a family with that person. To be able to experience the joy of raising children who believe in the goodness of people and who are not afraid to come to terms with their own beliefs. As much as I hate to admit it, I cannot wait to be a wife and a mother, and I hope that I will be able to experience it.
2. To be a voice for those who do not have their own voice. I cannot imagine a more fulfilling life than the one spent serving others. I hope to advocate and work for rights, justice and restoration for the least of the world.
3. To write, speak and educate people on issues surrounding human rights and social justice. To bring awareness to those who have been given a privilege and hopefully help them to realize the importance of their role in creating a more just world.
4. To travel. I want to see the world, experience it, taste it, and live it. There is no price to be placed on traveling and experiencing life first-hand, especially outside of one's own context.
5. To promote peace and reconciliation between warring individuals and people groups.
6. To see the Church truly become the Church that it is meant to be. And to be a part of it.
7. To eat as much delicious food as I possibly can and to enjoy every bite.
8. To continue on my own self-discovery and adventure. I hope to keep seeking peace within my own soul and always seek more - more joy, more knowledge and more experiences.
At the end of the day, life is what you make it. Life is a journey and an experience, and it cannot be whittled down to one specific time or one degree that I'm working on. I cannot define myself as simply an MSW or a social worker. I am so many more things than that and I hope to continue to become more when I finish this stage of my education. I think, objectively, my beliefs and my goals match up perfectly with what the profession emphasizes and teaches. What's hard for me to keep my mind off of, though, is that *this* moment defines me and these two years are all I'll ever be.
I need to keep perspective and to remind myself that this is not it. This is far from it.
There is so much more.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
summer days
"they say that things just cannot grow beneath the winter snow, or so i have been told.
they say we're buried far, just like a distant star i simply cannot hold.
is love alive? is love alive? is love alive?
i still believe in summer days
the seasons always change, and life will find a way"
i love this song. i've listened to it at least once a day for i don't know how long. obsessive much? maybe, but it's GOOD.
i love it now because it's winter now. and i love it because it feels like what i've been experiencing for the past month or so. winter has taken on a whole new life since i've moved somewhere that actually experiences seasons, and i'm now beginning to appreciate what it means to look forward to spring and summer. i'm starting to long for warmer days in a way i've never had to before, because florida has exactly 2 weeks worth of winter.
i think i have to figure out what love means - and not in a romantic way. i have to figure out if love is alive within me, and if it's not, how i can make it grow. i'm on a journey of starting to love myself again, and it's been a beautiful and difficult thing.
these past 6 months in Chicago have not been the easiest. they've been emotional and sad at times, but also happy and exciting and fulfilling! even though i often forget about the more positive side of life.
i feel like i'm at the top of the hill. right now, the past 6 months have been uphill. scary and tiring. now that i'm here, approaching the "top" i want to remember what it means to love myself and to love those who are around me. i hope that the next 6 months - the next however long! - will be even more fulfilling and happier. i am looking forward to the spring within my own soul, the renewing of my passion and energy and the hope of a brighter tomorrow. i'm looking forward to learning more, growing more and developing more.
here's to summer days, both outside and in myself. they're on the way!
they say we're buried far, just like a distant star i simply cannot hold.
is love alive? is love alive? is love alive?
i still believe in summer days
the seasons always change, and life will find a way"
i love this song. i've listened to it at least once a day for i don't know how long. obsessive much? maybe, but it's GOOD.
i love it now because it's winter now. and i love it because it feels like what i've been experiencing for the past month or so. winter has taken on a whole new life since i've moved somewhere that actually experiences seasons, and i'm now beginning to appreciate what it means to look forward to spring and summer. i'm starting to long for warmer days in a way i've never had to before, because florida has exactly 2 weeks worth of winter.
i think i have to figure out what love means - and not in a romantic way. i have to figure out if love is alive within me, and if it's not, how i can make it grow. i'm on a journey of starting to love myself again, and it's been a beautiful and difficult thing.
these past 6 months in Chicago have not been the easiest. they've been emotional and sad at times, but also happy and exciting and fulfilling! even though i often forget about the more positive side of life.
i feel like i'm at the top of the hill. right now, the past 6 months have been uphill. scary and tiring. now that i'm here, approaching the "top" i want to remember what it means to love myself and to love those who are around me. i hope that the next 6 months - the next however long! - will be even more fulfilling and happier. i am looking forward to the spring within my own soul, the renewing of my passion and energy and the hope of a brighter tomorrow. i'm looking forward to learning more, growing more and developing more.
here's to summer days, both outside and in myself. they're on the way!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Quick
"Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the LORD for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper."
1. I was not sent into exile. I was carried into exile. I love the change of that word.
2. It was this city for a reason. What reason is that? I'm yet to find out, but I'm pretty sure it's a really great one. Maybe just feeling optimistic today, though?
3. Because I feel as if this really is an exile, I feel connected to this city. I feel connected to the seasons, the sadness of winter and the excitement of the coming spring. I feel like the chaos and the sirens and the people and the wind are close to me.. as Native American peace circle-y as that sounds.
4. The city is hard. It's hard to live here. It's complicated and it takes longer and it's harder to move and harder to be still. But, it's beautiful. It's camaraderie and reality.
5. My shalom will come. Just like spring will come, so will my shalom. My acceptance of who I was, who I'm becoming and who I will be.. it will come.
Do not worry!
1. I was not sent into exile. I was carried into exile. I love the change of that word.
2. It was this city for a reason. What reason is that? I'm yet to find out, but I'm pretty sure it's a really great one. Maybe just feeling optimistic today, though?
3. Because I feel as if this really is an exile, I feel connected to this city. I feel connected to the seasons, the sadness of winter and the excitement of the coming spring. I feel like the chaos and the sirens and the people and the wind are close to me.. as Native American peace circle-y as that sounds.
4. The city is hard. It's hard to live here. It's complicated and it takes longer and it's harder to move and harder to be still. But, it's beautiful. It's camaraderie and reality.
5. My shalom will come. Just like spring will come, so will my shalom. My acceptance of who I was, who I'm becoming and who I will be.. it will come.
Do not worry!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
top ten of 2010.
Top ten of 2010! A few days late, but whatever.
1. My first real winter wonderland experience in Erie, PA with some of my favorite friends - Danielle, Christina, Drew, Bryan and Joe. We missed our flight and spent a full day in the orlando airport, went tubing in NY, played in the snow and had the best time!
2. The D226 experience. I spent January-May living in the best apartment with the best red living room with Rebecca and Erin, doing nothing but going out to lunch, working at outback, eating taco bell and watching teen mom. It was one of the best times of my whole life.
3. Carmella Vianne Gagliardi's entrance into the world! I was so lucky to be home for the day she was born. We took Melissa out to Carrabba's, went on a long walk and were watching sex and the city as she started some serious labor! a few hours later, my beautiful friend was a mother and I was an aunt :) Since then I've gotten to watch her grow into a precious flower - I love her!
4. Perfect Game. (and NMT). What's not to love about summer in Atlanta, free room/board and a ton of baseball players?
5. The summer beach house with my whole family and my girlfriends (including Matty)
6. Rebecca and Matthews wedding week! My best friend married one of the most dashing men I've ever known and we had the best week long party of all time! Karaoke, bachelorette party, tons of taco bell and so many happy tears. It was one of the most overwhelming and wonderful weeks of my life.
7. Chicago. I made the biggest decision and craziest move I could have imagined. I'm proud of myself for being brave (most of the time).
8. Getting to visit Lakeland in Dec.- even if it was for two days and I threw up most of the second day. It was so worth the drive and lack of sleep to spend time with some of my favorite people in the whole world.
9. Going home for Vanessa's wedding & Mullet Fest! It was perfectly timed and such a fun weekend - not to mention how much i love being a bridesmaid and fosters big cans!
10. New Years Eve in Tallahassee. Such a great night, such great people and an amazing way to end this year of up's and down's.
(pictures are withheld, for obvious reasons)
It was a good year with even better memories. I'm so thankful for everyone in my life and for everything each of you have contributed to it! Here's to 2011, may it be filled with peace, contentment and joy.
1. My first real winter wonderland experience in Erie, PA with some of my favorite friends - Danielle, Christina, Drew, Bryan and Joe. We missed our flight and spent a full day in the orlando airport, went tubing in NY, played in the snow and had the best time!
2. The D226 experience. I spent January-May living in the best apartment with the best red living room with Rebecca and Erin, doing nothing but going out to lunch, working at outback, eating taco bell and watching teen mom. It was one of the best times of my whole life.
3. Carmella Vianne Gagliardi's entrance into the world! I was so lucky to be home for the day she was born. We took Melissa out to Carrabba's, went on a long walk and were watching sex and the city as she started some serious labor! a few hours later, my beautiful friend was a mother and I was an aunt :) Since then I've gotten to watch her grow into a precious flower - I love her!
4. Perfect Game. (and NMT). What's not to love about summer in Atlanta, free room/board and a ton of baseball players?
5. The summer beach house with my whole family and my girlfriends (including Matty)
6. Rebecca and Matthews wedding week! My best friend married one of the most dashing men I've ever known and we had the best week long party of all time! Karaoke, bachelorette party, tons of taco bell and so many happy tears. It was one of the most overwhelming and wonderful weeks of my life.
7. Chicago. I made the biggest decision and craziest move I could have imagined. I'm proud of myself for being brave (most of the time).
8. Getting to visit Lakeland in Dec.- even if it was for two days and I threw up most of the second day. It was so worth the drive and lack of sleep to spend time with some of my favorite people in the whole world.
9. Going home for Vanessa's wedding & Mullet Fest! It was perfectly timed and such a fun weekend - not to mention how much i love being a bridesmaid and fosters big cans!
10. New Years Eve in Tallahassee. Such a great night, such great people and an amazing way to end this year of up's and down's.
(pictures are withheld, for obvious reasons)
It was a good year with even better memories. I'm so thankful for everyone in my life and for everything each of you have contributed to it! Here's to 2011, may it be filled with peace, contentment and joy.
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