Do you know who you are?

I struggle with many pieces of myself. I'm sometimes shy, and I'm not the most at home in my own soul. This is something I desire to change so much, but when it comes down to it - I'm afraid of the change.

I don't always love how I look. I'm 6'0" and most of the people I come in contact with are shorter (which reaffirms my need to start hanging out outside of NBA stadiums). I get self conscious about wearing heels, most dresses are too short for me, and I always have to stand in the back with all the boys in group photos. This is something that I started to work on about a year ago, when I bought my first pair of heels. Granted, they are only like 1.5 or 2 inches, but it's a start! Even though I have made major progress with this issue, it's still a huge part of me. Because I'm afraid to embrace my height as a gift.

In college, I experienced the worst heartbreak of my life. That experience left me carrying a huge amount of self-doubt and feelings of worthlessness. Even though it happened 2 or 3 years ago, I still struggle with feelings of inadequacy on almost a daily basis. I second guess myself, most of the time feel that I'm not smart enough, or pretty enough.. it's just a huge struggle for me. After it ended, that relationship continued for awhile - mainly because I was afraid to completely walk away from it. I was afraid of who I was outside of those feelings and that person. It's easy for me to not believe in myself, so I choose to continue being self-destructive.

This summer, I applied for 5 internships in my field. I was rejected from all of them. Last week, I applied at 4 restaurants and haven't gotten anything. Something inside me knows that there is a reason for this - but a huge part of me just wants to crawl into a hole and die. I can't even get a serving job. I have half a masters degree, and I can't even wait tables.

Last week I heard something that started to make me want to be different.

"Do you even know who you are? You are the living, breathing work of God

You are his kingdom and his creation"

If i truly believed this, wouldn't I be able to work past my insecurities? If i really knew who I was - wouldn't there be joy in spite of pain?

I think part of me does know this. I know who I am - or I am at least starting to - but how is it supposed to look? How am I supposed to be the living & breathing work of God with all of this crap I carry around with me? When I can't even get a job in the field that I thought God wanted me to pursue?

It just starts with a little. The choice to see the positive instead of the negative after I hang up the phone with someone who has rejected me for a job. The choice to be outside and to run, instead of wallow inside on the couch. The choice to smile at a stranger, to strike up conversation with an old friend, to be together and to be whole.

Just one ounce of goodness can erase a ton of darkness. I want to choose to be His now. To choose to be whole instead of a fragment. To be at home in my own soul. To be the living, breathing, work of God here on earth.